Sexless marriage and near-sexless marriage are extremely common and can be quite treatable. I’m a sex therapist in Manhattan with over 30 years’ experience helping New York City couples in sexless marriages learn to make love again. Unlike most sex therapists, I’m also an MD, so I’m knowledgeable about all aspects and can offer customized treatment. If you’re struggling in a sexless marriage, contact me today to arrange a consultation.
Sexless marriage rarely happens overnight. It’s usually the result of a gradual shutdown that starts with one problem and snowballs into something much bigger. Understanding the sequence of events is crucial, since different paths to sexlessness require different solutions.
There are as many different stories as there are couples, but most fall into three main categories:
Many couples stop wanting to have sex simply because the sex isn’t worth wanting. Sexual pain, trouble climaxing, ED, or performance anxiety can make sex stressful rather than pleasurable.
Sometimes the initial problem has nothing to do with sex. To quote sex researcher Julia Heiman, “Often sex is a nonverbal expression for what is avoided verbally, such as marital unhappiness, power struggles, or emotional emptiness."
Sometimes libido vanishes even when sex has been good. Causes include hormonal changes, depression, medications (especially antidepressants), stress, body image issues, or past trauma surfacing unexpectedly.
Whatever the original cause, living in a sexless marriage can be extremely stressful. Guilt, shame, and resentment over being sexless often drives couples further apart.
he good news is that sex therapy can be remarkably effective for sexless marriage.
Just make sure you see a practitioner with experience in this area, who can offer you a detailed plan for reclaiming your erotic connection.
If you’d like to learn more about my approach to treating sexless marriage and sexless relationships, the following articles might be a good place to start:
If you’re interested in learning more about whether treatment for sexless marriage might be helpful for you, feel free to contact me HERE.
Sexless marriage is one of the commonest reasons couples come in for sex therapy. At least 15% of American marriages are sexless or nearly-sexless. So it’s likely some of your friends and neighbors are in the same boat.
I've helped hundreds of couples rebuild sexual connection, including some who hadn't been intimate for years.
The sooner you address it, the better—since sexlessness can be self-reinforcing.
Unfortunately, the popular methods like “scheduling sex” don’t usually help.
Same for historically popular sex therapy techniques such as “sensate focus,” which tend not to work for sexless couples.
Most therapists see a new couple and think, “How can I get this couple into regular treatment?” I think, “How can I get this couple out of treatment, and into having sex again?”
Sometimes you have to get creative. When one partner is motivated but the other is reluctant, I’ll often start by seeing the motivated partner alone.
Every sexless marriage or sexless relationship is different. Sometimes it starts with bad sex, or with loss of desire as I explain in my articles, “Sexual Desire: Why it Goes Missing, and How to Get it Back” and “Women’s Sexual Desire, and Why Men Often Don’t Recognize It.”
Sometimes sexless marriage may have nothing to do with sex, and just reflects that one or both of you are emotionally unhappy. Whatever the original cause, though, sexless marriage eventually tends to become self-perpetuating.
Guilt and shame over being sexless certainly don’t help.
What’s more, couples in sexless marriages trend to accidentally invoke the “incest taboo.” When you live with someone long-term but you aren’t sexual with them, your mind can start to classify them as “sibling.”
Once that happens, sex can feel pretty awkward. I usually advise couples in sexless marriages that lovemaking may not feel natural until a month or two after they resume physical intimacy.
The first mistake is to delay getting help. The sooner you take action to fix a sexless relationship, the less likely it is that you’ll end up feeling like siblings.
The next mistake is to try to solve the problem by trying to re-awaken desire. You know, the stuff you find in most self-help books: “light the spark again,” or “make it hot again.”
Those approaches mostly don’t work. Your sexual mind is very honest. It hates being manipulated or tricked into desire, when it doesn’t feel it.
The key is to find ways to have good sex even when you’re not feeling much desire. Desire comes and goes in a committed relationship. In most long-term committed relationships, good sex leads to desire — not the other way around.
No, sex dates just usually lead to a lot of bad sex.
I favor a technique I write about in my book Love Worth Making that I call “The 2-Step.” Step 1 is a kind of mindfulness practice. It basically involves going to bed with no agenda at all, just to get in touch with what you’re actually feeling in the moment. Step 2 is to have sex without losing that feeling of being “in touch.”
No one knows. But social media, and the electronic devices they run on, can play havoc with a couple’s intimate life. So can over-use of pornography.
Modern couples face other obstacles to sexual happiness in long-term erotic relationships as well. Fortunately, there are simple things you can do to cope.
Assuming you once had a reasonably good sexual connection and don’t hate each other, most couples with sexless marriage who sincerely want to reclaim their erotic relationship can do so within a month or two.
Expect to learn something new about your sexual relationship, and something new about what led you down the road to sexlessness. Expect to learn about some new options for reclaiming your erotic connection together.
After an initial discussion with a new couple, I’ll usually ask to see each partner separately – then to all meet together again to review what we’ve learned and discuss best strategies and options.